I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
