you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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