I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
