My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
