You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have tasted many bathrooms
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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