Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
