Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There's always time for handjobs
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
