I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
