You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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