The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
