theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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