god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
