At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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