When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
