ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
