Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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