I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
