Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
