i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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