i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
