I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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