Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
