if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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