He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
