btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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