Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
