My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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