i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
