i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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