Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
