My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
