Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
