My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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