I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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