i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
