Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
birth control should be required to get into college
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
