so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
