Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
