I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just gift wrapped bread.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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