The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
