just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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