I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
