u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
