there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
