This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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