Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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