I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
