I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
