I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
