i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
