I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
